1 00:00:05,900 --> 00:00:10,219 Terrible Tudors, gorgeous Georgians Slimy Stuarts, vile Victorians 2 00:00:10,220 --> 00:00:13,019 Woeful wars, ferocious fights Dingy castles, daring knights 3 00:00:13,020 --> 00:00:15,819 Horrors that defy description Cut-throat Celts, awful Egyptians 4 00:00:15,820 --> 00:00:18,259 Vicious Vikings, cruel crimes Punishment from ancient times 5 00:00:18,260 --> 00:00:21,219 Romans, rotten, rank and ruthless Cavemen, savage, fierce and toothless 6 00:00:21,220 --> 00:00:24,099 Groovy Greeks, brainy sages Mean and measly Middle Ages 7 00:00:24,100 --> 00:00:29,499 Gory stories, we do that And your host, a talking rat 8 00:00:29,500 --> 00:00:33,459 The past is no longer a mystery Welcome to... 9 00:00:33,460 --> 00:00:37,900 Horrible Histories. 10 00:00:42,660 --> 00:00:45,939 We Romans really could be rotten. 11 00:00:45,940 --> 00:00:50,620 And there's nothing we liked more than being horrible to Christians. 12 00:00:51,580 --> 00:00:57,539 Hello! Welcome to I'm A Christian, Get Me Out Of Here! 13 00:00:57,540 --> 00:01:01,579 So far, Rome has seen Christians stoned to death, beheaded, 14 00:01:01,580 --> 00:01:05,939 crucified, mauled by boar, bear and leopard and eaten by lions. 15 00:01:05,940 --> 00:01:08,779 That's what I call Roman entertainment. 16 00:01:08,780 --> 00:01:13,139 I can hardly wait to find out what happens to today's prisoners. 17 00:01:13,140 --> 00:01:14,899 Hey, you Christians. 18 00:01:14,900 --> 00:01:18,779 We've got some really horrible tortures for you today. 19 00:01:18,780 --> 00:01:23,299 But remember, all you have to do if you want to be freed is shout, 20 00:01:23,300 --> 00:01:25,979 I'm A Christian, Get Me Out Of Here! 21 00:01:25,980 --> 00:01:28,899 And you also have to say that our Roman gods 22 00:01:28,900 --> 00:01:31,659 are better than your one Christian God. 23 00:01:31,660 --> 00:01:34,259 - Does any of youse want to say that? - No. 24 00:01:34,260 --> 00:01:37,259 We wont reject our religion. 25 00:01:37,260 --> 00:01:40,899 Brilliant! I hate it when they give in. No gory stuff. 26 00:01:40,900 --> 00:01:43,179 Let's find out who's first up. 27 00:01:43,180 --> 00:01:45,979 Blandina, love. I can tell you... 28 00:01:45,980 --> 00:01:49,139 ..that the next Christian to face a trial 29 00:01:49,140 --> 00:01:56,979 is not... not... not... not you, 30 00:01:56,980 --> 00:01:59,939 so it is you! I love doing that. 31 00:01:59,940 --> 00:02:01,779 - That's cruel. - I know. 32 00:02:01,780 --> 00:02:03,899 It's not as cruel as your trial, 33 00:02:03,900 --> 00:02:06,579 which will place you in a huge catapult 34 00:02:06,580 --> 00:02:09,099 and fling you high above the city. 35 00:02:09,100 --> 00:02:11,939 - Don't worry, you might survive. - Good. 36 00:02:11,940 --> 00:02:16,099 If you do, a Roman soldier will finish you off with his sword. 37 00:02:16,100 --> 00:02:20,419 - That's not fair. - I know! Off you go, pet. Come on, get out. 38 00:02:20,420 --> 00:02:25,099 After the break, we'll put our next Christian prisoner in this barrel 39 00:02:25,100 --> 00:02:27,579 and roll him down a hill. 40 00:02:27,580 --> 00:02:32,339 - That doesn't sound too bad. - Whoops! Did I forget to mention the spikes? 41 00:02:32,340 --> 00:02:34,940 'I'm a Christian, Get Me Out Of Here!' 42 00:02:36,100 --> 00:02:38,419 A bit late for that one, Blandina. 43 00:02:38,420 --> 00:02:42,980 Kids, being a Christian in Rome can seriously damage your health. 44 00:02:45,060 --> 00:02:48,619 Emperor Nero was particularly nasty to Christians. 45 00:02:48,620 --> 00:02:52,099 Not surprising when you hear how he treated people 46 00:02:52,100 --> 00:02:54,140 he was supposed to care about. 47 00:02:56,420 --> 00:02:59,379 I now pronounce you Emperor and wife. 48 00:02:59,380 --> 00:03:01,979 Emperor Nero, you may kiss the bride. 49 00:03:01,980 --> 00:03:04,539 You lucky, lucky thing. 50 00:03:04,540 --> 00:03:07,899 'He was the man who had everything. 51 00:03:07,900 --> 00:03:09,859 - 'Land.' - I love you. 52 00:03:09,860 --> 00:03:13,059 - 'Power.' - Hail me. 53 00:03:13,060 --> 00:03:16,300 'Grapes. A lot of grapes. 54 00:03:17,260 --> 00:03:19,779 'And the woman of his dreams.' 55 00:03:19,780 --> 00:03:22,139 - I love you. - I don't blame you. 56 00:03:22,140 --> 00:03:25,459 'Then, possibly while shopping for grapes...' 57 00:03:25,460 --> 00:03:28,459 I'm not paying. My empire, my rules. 58 00:03:28,460 --> 00:03:30,780 '..He met the woman of his dreams. 59 00:03:32,580 --> 00:03:35,540 - 'Yes, another one.' - Who is that? 60 00:03:37,340 --> 00:03:40,899 - D'you wanna go out with me? - Won't your wife mind? 61 00:03:40,900 --> 00:03:43,299 I shouldn't think so. D'you mind? 62 00:03:43,300 --> 00:03:45,539 Yes, I mind! 63 00:03:45,540 --> 00:03:48,699 Hm. You can never second-guess these things. 64 00:03:48,700 --> 00:03:52,979 'Nero was prepared to do anything to be with the woman he loved. 65 00:03:52,980 --> 00:03:55,100 'No, no. The other one. 66 00:03:56,060 --> 00:03:58,379 'Yeah, yeah. That one there.' 67 00:03:58,380 --> 00:04:03,259 I need a sign! Something to show you love me now, not her! 68 00:04:03,260 --> 00:04:07,739 Something more than grapes? Because I've got loads of grapes. 69 00:04:07,740 --> 00:04:10,020 Yes, something more than grapes! 70 00:04:10,980 --> 00:04:13,859 Right. Er... 71 00:04:13,860 --> 00:04:19,579 'This summer, one emperor will prove that love is a gift.' 72 00:04:19,580 --> 00:04:21,899 Darling, it's just what I wanted! 73 00:04:21,900 --> 00:04:25,099 Your wife's severed head in a basket. 74 00:04:25,100 --> 00:04:30,099 'Coming soon, the film that puts the Roman in Romantic comedy.' 75 00:04:30,100 --> 00:04:34,620 - You would never sever my head and put it in a basket, would you? - No! 76 00:04:35,660 --> 00:04:38,820 - I'll have you kicked to death. - What? - Nothing. 77 00:04:39,820 --> 00:04:41,859 'Love You To Death. 78 00:04:41,860 --> 00:04:45,299 'Based on a true story. Rated Unreasonable.' 79 00:04:45,300 --> 00:04:47,539 It's horrible, but it's true. 80 00:04:47,540 --> 00:04:52,579 Emperor Nero had his wife's head cut off and sent to his new girlfriend. 81 00:04:52,580 --> 00:04:56,579 The next Valentine's Day, you may want to stick to flowers. 82 00:04:56,580 --> 00:04:58,699 Nero wasn't nasty to everyone. 83 00:04:58,700 --> 00:05:01,979 He was nice to his favourite gladiator, Spiculus. 84 00:05:01,980 --> 00:05:04,579 'In this week's Ave! magazine - 85 00:05:04,580 --> 00:05:08,059 'an exclusive interview with the most famous sportsman in Rome, 86 00:05:08,060 --> 00:05:10,179 'Spiculus the Gladiator!' 87 00:05:10,180 --> 00:05:14,100 My name's Tiberius Claudius Spiculus. You can call me Spics. 88 00:05:14,700 --> 00:05:18,900 I used to be a slave. I fought so well in the arena, I won my freedom. 89 00:05:19,460 --> 00:05:23,299 And Emperor Nero likes me so much, he's given me my own palace. 90 00:05:23,300 --> 00:05:26,139 'Read how Nero made his favourite gladiator 91 00:05:26,140 --> 00:05:28,499 'head of his personal-protection force.' 92 00:05:28,500 --> 00:05:30,539 Only problem is, I'm now so famous, 93 00:05:30,540 --> 00:05:33,499 I can't go anywhere without being stopped for pictures. 94 00:05:33,500 --> 00:05:35,819 Over here, Spiculus! Nice! 95 00:05:35,820 --> 00:05:39,379 'And we've got the pictures the gladiators didn't want you to see. 96 00:05:39,380 --> 00:05:41,979 'Have you never heard of a Roman bath? 97 00:05:41,980 --> 00:05:44,019 'Our soothsayer predicts the future 98 00:05:44,020 --> 00:05:46,219 'by reading the entrails of a chicken.' 99 00:05:46,220 --> 00:05:51,899 I can safely say it's going to be a bad week. .. for this chicken. 100 00:05:51,900 --> 00:05:54,859 'Yes. All the goss, all the pics, all the Roman rumours, 101 00:05:54,860 --> 00:05:57,619 'only in this week's Ave! magazine.' 102 00:05:57,620 --> 00:06:01,259 I can safely predict you're going to buy it. 103 00:06:01,260 --> 00:06:03,860 'Only XCIX denarii.' 104 00:06:08,660 --> 00:06:13,220 Some of our Middle Ages medical cures would seem pretty strange nowadays. 105 00:06:14,740 --> 00:06:16,779 Paul? Paul, can you hear me? 106 00:06:16,780 --> 00:06:19,019 Don't worry. The ambulance is on its way. 107 00:06:19,020 --> 00:06:23,139 - Make way! - Make way! - Make way! 108 00:06:23,140 --> 00:06:26,219 - From the hospital? - No, Middle Ages. - What's happened? 109 00:06:26,220 --> 00:06:29,419 It's my husband. He went all dizzy and passed out. 110 00:06:29,420 --> 00:06:32,619 - What be his name? - Paul. - Paul, hear ye! Hear ye, Paul! 111 00:06:32,620 --> 00:06:36,299 - Can you hear me, Paul? - He's fainted. I need a dead chicken. 112 00:06:36,300 --> 00:06:39,059 What on earth is that going to do? 113 00:06:39,060 --> 00:06:42,779 - Nothing. It's dead. - It's not the chicken we need, it's the feathers. 114 00:06:42,780 --> 00:06:47,219 We just burn the ends of them. This should bring him round. 115 00:06:47,220 --> 00:06:51,059 - It's not working. - Had he shown any other symptoms? 116 00:06:51,060 --> 00:06:53,059 He hasn't been sleeping too well. 117 00:06:53,060 --> 00:06:55,179 Sleeplessness? Nigel, treacle. 118 00:06:55,180 --> 00:06:57,659 - Yes, honey? - Get the treacle. 119 00:06:57,660 --> 00:07:01,179 Don't worry. Treacle is our latest cure for sleeplessness. 120 00:07:01,180 --> 00:07:03,539 Hang on. What are those markings? 121 00:07:03,540 --> 00:07:07,179 Could be bruising from the fall. I'll cut the flour and bacon fat. 122 00:07:07,180 --> 00:07:09,619 - What? - Hang on. They're blotchy. 123 00:07:09,620 --> 00:07:13,379 Skin disease. No! I'm all out of wolf skin. 124 00:07:13,380 --> 00:07:15,339 Where be a wolf? Where be a wolf?! 125 00:07:15,340 --> 00:07:18,619 - This might work. - It looks like ringworm. - I concur. 126 00:07:18,620 --> 00:07:22,819 There's one thing for it. Man-child, do you want to be a gallant hero? 127 00:07:22,820 --> 00:07:27,539 Wee on his head! Nothing cures ringworm like a boy's-wee hair wash. 128 00:07:27,540 --> 00:07:31,659 He's not weeing on my husband's head! You're not weeing on him! 129 00:07:31,660 --> 00:07:36,100 I always carry a fresh jar of boy's urine just in case. 130 00:07:41,540 --> 00:07:45,059 - Paul! - I'm OK. I do need a shower, though. 131 00:07:45,060 --> 00:07:48,339 - Our work here is done. - Do you mind filling this while we're here? 132 00:07:48,340 --> 00:07:50,139 Stop it. Don't...! 133 00:07:50,140 --> 00:07:52,539 SIREN WAILS It sounds like a proper ambulance. 134 00:07:52,540 --> 00:07:54,700 - We must flee this place! - Make haste! 135 00:08:01,020 --> 00:08:03,739 Ian? Bring the cleanup kit. 136 00:08:03,740 --> 00:08:06,100 Those historical ones have been here. 137 00:08:07,860 --> 00:08:10,260 'Those were all real treatments. 138 00:08:29,340 --> 00:08:31,459 'They actually believed it would work. 139 00:08:31,460 --> 00:08:35,260 'But back then, they believed some very weird things.' 140 00:08:40,700 --> 00:08:43,139 Greetings, horror hounds. 141 00:08:43,140 --> 00:08:45,899 I am Vincenzo Larfoff. 142 00:08:45,900 --> 00:08:50,099 And this week's scary story is from the Middle Ages. 143 00:08:50,100 --> 00:08:54,260 It's called, The Children of Woolpit. 144 00:08:55,860 --> 00:08:58,139 It was 1173. 145 00:08:58,140 --> 00:09:00,379 An especially eerie yearie. 146 00:09:00,380 --> 00:09:03,379 When the small village of Woolpit in the county of Suffolk 147 00:09:03,380 --> 00:09:07,179 was invaded by creatures from another world. 148 00:09:07,180 --> 00:09:10,179 - EERIE INSTRUMENTAL - Indeed. 149 00:09:10,180 --> 00:09:12,859 One day, two aliens appeared in the village. 150 00:09:12,860 --> 00:09:16,459 These aliens had taken the form of two children - a boy and a girl. 151 00:09:16,460 --> 00:09:18,539 But their skin was bright green 152 00:09:18,540 --> 00:09:21,859 and they spoke in a strange alien language. 153 00:09:21,860 --> 00:09:23,900 HE SPEAKS GIBBERISH 154 00:09:25,140 --> 00:09:27,179 Or something. 155 00:09:27,180 --> 00:09:31,019 Yes, the villagers of Woolpit were terrified. 156 00:09:31,020 --> 00:09:33,859 These green-skinned aliens demanded to be fed. 157 00:09:33,860 --> 00:09:36,699 But what they ate was truly chilling. 158 00:09:36,700 --> 00:09:40,099 Something no real human child would eat without being forced. 159 00:09:40,100 --> 00:09:43,219 Yes! Vegetables! 160 00:09:43,220 --> 00:09:47,539 And then, quite without warning, the boy alien dropped down dead. 161 00:09:47,540 --> 00:09:49,379 SCREAM / THUD! 162 00:09:49,380 --> 00:09:52,899 And the girl alien? That's the strangest part of all. 163 00:09:52,900 --> 00:09:58,300 She became a part-time domestic servant. 164 00:10:01,380 --> 00:10:04,299 A-hem! It turned out that these children 165 00:10:04,300 --> 00:10:06,499 were not from Mars or Venus. 166 00:10:06,500 --> 00:10:09,380 They were from... Belgium! 167 00:10:10,980 --> 00:10:14,819 They were orphans, the children of Belgian cloth makers? 168 00:10:14,820 --> 00:10:18,819 Their skin was green because of the dye the parents used on the cloth. 169 00:10:18,820 --> 00:10:22,299 They'd lived in the woods so long, they only recognised vegetation. 170 00:10:22,300 --> 00:10:24,699 The boy died of malnutrition, the girl grew up 171 00:10:24,700 --> 00:10:27,139 and went to work for a local knight? 172 00:10:27,140 --> 00:10:29,419 This is not a scary story, is it? 173 00:10:29,420 --> 00:10:31,819 It's a boring story with a weird beginning. 174 00:10:31,820 --> 00:10:34,019 That isn't the same thing. Why am I here? 175 00:10:34,020 --> 00:10:37,379 I grew a goatee for this. It's unbelievable. 176 00:10:37,380 --> 00:10:41,220 I'm going to my dressing room. There had better be doughnuts. 177 00:10:45,580 --> 00:10:49,019 Ancient Greece was divided into different city states. 178 00:10:49,020 --> 00:10:52,659 The people of Athens thought us Spartans were pretty brutal. 179 00:10:52,660 --> 00:10:55,780 But some of the things they did were just as bad. 180 00:10:58,540 --> 00:11:02,139 Come on, Adelphus, you're gonna be late for school again! 181 00:11:02,140 --> 00:11:06,019 - Now, have you got everything? - Yes. - Have you got your stylus? 182 00:11:06,020 --> 00:11:09,459 - Your wax tablet? - Yep. - Your pitta bread for lunch? 183 00:11:09,460 --> 00:11:12,379 - Haven't you forgotten something? - Um,... no. 184 00:11:12,380 --> 00:11:14,819 Your slave! Slave? 185 00:11:14,820 --> 00:11:16,899 Oh, Dad, do I have to take him? 186 00:11:16,900 --> 00:11:21,099 Yes. I bought him especially to beat you when you misbehave in class. 187 00:11:21,100 --> 00:11:23,779 - Oh! - All the other kids have got one. 188 00:11:23,780 --> 00:11:26,579 - Ha! - Shut it, you! 189 00:11:26,580 --> 00:11:28,819 - Ow! - He's only doing his job. 190 00:11:28,820 --> 00:11:32,299 - Now, Athena, have you got everything you need for school? - Eh? 191 00:11:32,300 --> 00:11:35,219 Ha! Sorry. I'm only joking. 192 00:11:35,220 --> 00:11:38,099 Like I'm gonna send a girl to school. It's pointless! 193 00:11:38,100 --> 00:11:41,259 Pfft! Ow! 194 00:11:41,260 --> 00:11:45,179 Oh, you are good! Oh! Actually, he's got maths this afternoon. 195 00:11:45,180 --> 00:11:48,059 You might need the big stick. You know what he's like. 196 00:11:48,060 --> 00:11:50,340 Go on, then, get off to school! 197 00:11:51,700 --> 00:11:56,179 Kids! You can't beat 'em. So to speak. 198 00:11:56,180 --> 00:11:59,419 It's true. In the Ancient Greek city of Athens, 199 00:11:59,420 --> 00:12:01,459 boys took a slave to school with them 200 00:12:01,460 --> 00:12:04,139 to make sure they were behaving in class. 201 00:12:04,140 --> 00:12:08,179 I have no idea how they fitted the slave in their satchel, though. 202 00:12:08,180 --> 00:12:11,059 Ow! Alright, I'll behave! 203 00:12:11,060 --> 00:12:14,459 Mind you, if you think Athens sounds bad, 204 00:12:14,460 --> 00:12:17,699 you wouldn't have wanted to go to school in Sparta. 205 00:12:17,700 --> 00:12:21,459 Hey! All you Helots, you Zealots, 206 00:12:21,460 --> 00:12:23,659 you Peloponnesians, you Lacedaemons, 207 00:12:23,660 --> 00:12:26,459 all of Leonidas' army, let's get barmy 208 00:12:26,460 --> 00:12:28,939 for the Spartan School Musical! 209 00:12:28,940 --> 00:12:31,340 ALL: Go, Spartan! 210 00:12:32,540 --> 00:12:34,459 UPBEAT INSTRUMENTAL 211 00:12:34,460 --> 00:12:36,780 Whoo! 212 00:12:37,780 --> 00:12:40,140 Come on! 213 00:12:41,181 --> 00:12:46,859 Today I'm starting high school where boys are turned to men 214 00:12:46,860 --> 00:12:50,339 I've packed my sword and shield We don't use paper and pen 215 00:12:50,340 --> 00:12:52,859 - Everyone's a jock here - We don't have Spartan nerds 216 00:12:52,860 --> 00:12:55,779 The weedy kids were left to die as breakfast for the birds 217 00:12:55,780 --> 00:12:58,819 We're taught to love a fight We're taught not to be meek 218 00:12:58,820 --> 00:13:01,659 And if we're good, they feed us three square meals every week 219 00:13:01,660 --> 00:13:04,459 Let's go fighting Now, fighting is exciting 220 00:13:04,460 --> 00:13:06,899 Now, rocking at the Spartan School 221 00:13:06,900 --> 00:13:09,540 - Come on! - Whoo! 222 00:13:09,541 --> 00:13:14,259 At Spartan kindergarten I'm the boss that's understood 223 00:13:14,260 --> 00:13:17,019 I smack 'em if they're naughty I thwack 'em if they're good 224 00:13:17,020 --> 00:13:20,939 I'm feeling rather peckish I'm gonna steal some food 225 00:13:20,940 --> 00:13:23,219 I'll have to punish you ungrateful Spartan brood 226 00:13:23,220 --> 00:13:26,419 We promise not to steal We're not the thieving sort 227 00:13:26,420 --> 00:13:29,059 Stealing is considered good what's wrong is getting caught 228 00:13:29,060 --> 00:13:32,059 Let's get beatin' now learn lies and cheatin' now 229 00:13:32,060 --> 00:13:34,300 Rollin' at the Spartan School 230 00:13:36,220 --> 00:13:39,299 We have a bunch of contests to see who is the best 231 00:13:39,300 --> 00:13:42,499 The meanest, meanest toughest, roughest Spartan contest 232 00:13:42,500 --> 00:13:45,099 This one is my favourite game lashings of good fun 233 00:13:45,100 --> 00:13:48,259 Didn't feel a thing! I want my mum. 234 00:13:48,260 --> 00:13:50,379 We pass our last exam then it's Spartan graduation 235 00:13:50,380 --> 00:13:53,979 Straightaway we go to work no time for celebration 236 00:13:53,980 --> 00:13:56,859 Ten years' active service in the army, no diversion 237 00:13:56,860 --> 00:14:00,259 There's only one job for a Spartan Killing loads of Persians 238 00:14:00,260 --> 00:14:02,819 Wondering about love? It's banned until you're 30 239 00:14:02,820 --> 00:14:05,659 High school doesn't teach romance it teaches fighting dirty 240 00:14:05,660 --> 00:14:08,059 Let's go fightin' now Fightin' is exciting now 241 00:14:08,060 --> 00:14:09,899 Rockin' at the Spartan School 242 00:14:09,900 --> 00:14:12,779 Let's get beatin' now learn lies and cheatin' now 243 00:14:12,780 --> 00:14:15,980 Rollin' at the Spartan School. 244 00:14:20,540 --> 00:14:23,219 We Tudors were all terrified of Henry VIII. 245 00:14:23,220 --> 00:14:25,819 No-one wanted to give him bad news. 246 00:14:25,820 --> 00:14:29,700 In fact, there was only one person who could get away with it. 247 00:14:31,860 --> 00:14:33,899 - Sir Nicholas? - What news? 248 00:14:33,900 --> 00:14:35,939 The rumours are true, I'm afraid. 249 00:14:35,940 --> 00:14:39,299 It would seem the Queen is seeing other men behind the King's back. 250 00:14:39,300 --> 00:14:42,939 Then it is as we feared. We should inform His Majesty. 251 00:14:42,940 --> 00:14:45,779 Yes, of course. But you know how his moods are. 252 00:14:45,780 --> 00:14:49,099 Yes. He does tend to behead the messenger. 253 00:14:49,100 --> 00:14:52,139 - Indeed. - Then there is only one man for the job. 254 00:14:52,140 --> 00:14:54,619 Only one man who could break such terrible news 255 00:14:54,620 --> 00:14:57,259 to His Majesty, King Henry VIII. 256 00:14:57,260 --> 00:14:59,619 - You don't mean...? - Yes. 257 00:14:59,620 --> 00:15:03,499 - BOTH: Will Somers. - You called? 258 00:15:03,500 --> 00:15:06,379 Bum-bum-bum-bum, bum-bum-bum-bum, bum-bum! Pfft! 259 00:15:06,380 --> 00:15:09,379 Stonk! Hoo-hee! Hoo-hee! Blblblblblb! 260 00:15:09,380 --> 00:15:11,499 Ho-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-onk! 261 00:15:11,500 --> 00:15:13,899 So, what seems to be the problem, gentlemen? 262 00:15:13,900 --> 00:15:15,739 - Catherine Howard. - Another man? 263 00:15:15,740 --> 00:15:18,939 - Several. - Oh, dear. That is a pickle. - Yes. 264 00:15:18,940 --> 00:15:22,259 We need to tell the King so he can arrange a divorce or a beheading. 265 00:15:22,260 --> 00:15:26,779 And you are his favourite jester. Who better to break the bad news? 266 00:15:26,780 --> 00:15:28,619 This is true. But how? 267 00:15:28,620 --> 00:15:32,379 This is obviously hugely important, so what do we think? 268 00:15:32,380 --> 00:15:35,819 Shall I do it as a joke? Or a song? 269 00:15:35,820 --> 00:15:38,619 Or shall I blurt it out while I'm doing the juggling? 270 00:15:38,620 --> 00:15:40,819 - You're the expert. - Yes. I am good at this. 271 00:15:40,820 --> 00:15:43,779 I shall use tact, diplomacy 272 00:15:43,780 --> 00:15:45,819 and one of these. 273 00:15:45,820 --> 00:15:48,779 Pffffffffffft! 274 00:15:48,780 --> 00:15:50,940 Stand aside, gentlemen. 275 00:15:52,260 --> 00:15:54,540 Bom-boom, bom-boom, bom. 276 00:15:55,780 --> 00:15:58,739 - Squeak-squeak, h-o-o-onk! - No. 277 00:15:58,740 --> 00:16:01,859 Not today, Will. I'm not in the right mood. 278 00:16:01,860 --> 00:16:03,979 You seem to be in a right mood to me. 279 00:16:03,980 --> 00:16:06,299 WILL LAUGHS 280 00:16:06,300 --> 00:16:08,699 HENRY VIII LAUGHS 281 00:16:08,700 --> 00:16:10,659 Stop it. I need a wee. 282 00:16:10,660 --> 00:16:13,139 Would that be the royal wee? A-kabunsss! 283 00:16:13,140 --> 00:16:17,499 HE LAUGHS No, seriously. I will wet my breeches. 284 00:16:17,500 --> 00:16:21,659 Don't get any on the seat, or you'll have to be throne out! 285 00:16:21,660 --> 00:16:23,699 BOTH LAUGH 286 00:16:23,700 --> 00:16:26,619 Oh, no. Oh, no! There's a couple of drips right there. 287 00:16:26,620 --> 00:16:30,539 I wouldn't worry about it. There's been a few drips on that throne! 288 00:16:30,540 --> 00:16:32,699 HENRY VIII LAUGHS 289 00:16:32,700 --> 00:16:35,779 Yes, drips. Hasn't there just! 290 00:16:35,780 --> 00:16:37,739 More than a few, I should think. 291 00:16:37,740 --> 00:16:42,019 HE LAUGHS Almost as many as your wife has boyfriends. 292 00:16:42,020 --> 00:16:43,859 HE LAUGHS 293 00:16:43,860 --> 00:16:45,739 She's had a few then, has she? 294 00:16:45,740 --> 00:16:48,379 Yeah, loads of them. Good day, sire. 295 00:16:48,380 --> 00:16:51,579 HE LAUGHS Very good. Look at you! 296 00:16:51,580 --> 00:16:53,900 You...! HE LAUGHS 297 00:16:57,980 --> 00:17:00,019 Well? How did he take it? 298 00:17:00,020 --> 00:17:01,859 It's too early to say. 299 00:17:01,860 --> 00:17:05,739 Should sink in in about three, two, one... 300 00:17:05,740 --> 00:17:07,979 - WHAT?! - There it is. 301 00:17:07,980 --> 00:17:11,259 Nicholas, fetch me my executioner! 302 00:17:11,260 --> 00:17:13,300 At once, sire! 303 00:17:14,260 --> 00:17:17,340 Oh. And a clean pair of pants, please. 304 00:17:18,660 --> 00:17:21,499 Being Henry's jester was a dangerous job, 305 00:17:21,500 --> 00:17:25,059 but not as dangerous as being this Tudor entertainer. 306 00:17:25,060 --> 00:17:27,219 INSTRUMENTAL 307 00:17:27,220 --> 00:17:31,739 Stupid deaths, stupid deaths They're funny cos they're true 308 00:17:31,740 --> 00:17:36,620 Stupid deaths, stupid deaths Hope next time it's not you. 309 00:17:37,740 --> 00:17:41,420 She shouldn't have worn that dress. She had no chance. Next! 310 00:17:42,380 --> 00:17:47,019 - And you are...? - A Tudor performer and entertainer. 311 00:17:47,020 --> 00:17:49,779 Ooo! Well, why not entertain us, eh? 312 00:17:49,780 --> 00:17:52,699 How did you die? 313 00:17:52,700 --> 00:17:55,659 Well, I was famous for my amazing act - 314 00:17:55,660 --> 00:17:59,619 - the great stab-proof man! - Ooo! 315 00:17:59,620 --> 00:18:02,779 I would stand before a live audience 316 00:18:02,780 --> 00:18:05,539 and plunge a dagger into my own chest 317 00:18:05,540 --> 00:18:07,739 and yet, not die. 318 00:18:07,740 --> 00:18:10,219 Hm. Well, how come? 319 00:18:10,220 --> 00:18:13,139 I wore a cleverly-hidden stab-proof vest 320 00:18:13,140 --> 00:18:15,179 so the knife never even touched me. 321 00:18:15,180 --> 00:18:19,059 But it did puncture a concealed bag of animal blood, 322 00:18:19,060 --> 00:18:21,899 giving the impression that I was bleeding. 323 00:18:21,900 --> 00:18:26,459 Very clever! So, how did you die for real? 324 00:18:26,460 --> 00:18:28,299 Well, it was all going perfectly. 325 00:18:28,300 --> 00:18:31,579 The crowd were cheering, the money was pouring in 326 00:18:31,580 --> 00:18:36,219 and I raised my dagger aloft and plunged it into my chest. 327 00:18:36,220 --> 00:18:40,659 - Yes. And, and...? - I'd forgotten to put on my stab-proof vest. 328 00:18:40,660 --> 00:18:43,419 I stabbed myself in the heart and I died. 329 00:18:43,420 --> 00:18:45,900 HE LAUGHS HYSTERICALLY 330 00:18:47,140 --> 00:18:50,980 Shame the vest wasn't idiot-proof! 331 00:18:52,140 --> 00:18:54,139 I'll just confer with the judges. 332 00:18:54,140 --> 00:18:56,059 Mm-hm. A-huh. 333 00:18:56,060 --> 00:18:57,899 Mm-hm. Oh, shut up, Louis! 334 00:18:57,900 --> 00:19:02,059 That's two yeses. You're through to the afterlife. Well done. 335 00:19:02,060 --> 00:19:04,739 Thank you. Thank you so. 336 00:19:04,740 --> 00:19:08,019 Very good, wasn't he? He was good. 337 00:19:08,020 --> 00:19:11,619 Sometimes I love this job. I... I do, Louis. I do. 338 00:19:11,620 --> 00:19:15,419 Stupid deaths, stupid deaths Hope next time it's not you. 339 00:19:15,420 --> 00:19:17,260 Whoo-hoo! 340 00:19:21,820 --> 00:19:26,179 - Kill! - The time has come for your first hunting trip. 341 00:19:26,180 --> 00:19:28,979 - BOTH: Yes! - Get in! 342 00:19:28,980 --> 00:19:31,579 We have all been blessed by the sacred hag. 343 00:19:31,580 --> 00:19:34,419 Oi! Less of the hag. It's Mummy to you. 344 00:19:34,420 --> 00:19:38,139 - We've all been blessed by Mum. Sorry, Mum. - That's better. 345 00:19:38,140 --> 00:19:41,979 - And now we hunt. - BOTH: Yeah! 346 00:19:41,980 --> 00:19:45,859 May my spear be strong enough to bring down a marauding megabear. 347 00:19:45,860 --> 00:19:48,059 BOTH: Ooo! Megabear? 348 00:19:48,060 --> 00:19:51,859 May Ugg's arrows fly straight enough to fell a stampeding mammoth. 349 00:19:51,860 --> 00:19:53,499 - Mammoth? - Mammoth? 350 00:19:53,500 --> 00:19:56,539 And may Grunt's dagger be sharp enough 351 00:19:56,540 --> 00:19:59,339 to tear out the heart of a sabre-toothed tiger! 352 00:19:59,340 --> 00:20:02,579 - Did he say tiger? - He said tiger, he said tiger. 353 00:20:02,580 --> 00:20:06,219 We feast this night. Men, let's hunt! 354 00:20:06,220 --> 00:20:09,500 - Raar! - BOTH: Argh! 355 00:20:10,420 --> 00:20:13,619 No, no, no, no, no. That megabear looks pretty big, actually. 356 00:20:13,620 --> 00:20:15,619 Look at the size of its hand! 357 00:20:15,620 --> 00:20:18,899 Oh! Oh! Oh, that's a leg. Oh, there's the other leg. 358 00:20:18,900 --> 00:20:21,339 Actually, maybe we should go and help. Go on. 359 00:20:21,340 --> 00:20:23,179 - Or, or, or... - Yeah? 360 00:20:23,180 --> 00:20:26,819 We could hunt that giant tortoise over there. 361 00:20:26,820 --> 00:20:29,179 - I actually prefer tortoise to bear. - Me, too. 362 00:20:29,180 --> 00:20:32,299 So let's go and get him. They're pretty good in soups, I think. 363 00:20:32,300 --> 00:20:34,979 - Watch out, he's a biter! - He's getting away! 364 00:20:34,980 --> 00:20:39,379 Yes. Cavemen really hunt giant tortoise. 365 00:20:39,380 --> 00:20:43,259 In fact, we kill all giant tortoise in North America. 366 00:20:43,260 --> 00:20:45,979 Bad caveman. Ow! 367 00:20:45,980 --> 00:20:50,499 Hunting very tiring, so fitness important in Stone Age. 368 00:20:50,500 --> 00:20:54,619 Do you want a body like this, but actually have a body like this? 369 00:20:54,620 --> 00:20:57,260 Then you need the Caveman Workout. 370 00:20:58,220 --> 00:21:00,699 It's perfect training for a prehistoric hunt. 371 00:21:00,700 --> 00:21:05,139 You want guns like these? Sure you do. Let's start with those arms. 372 00:21:05,140 --> 00:21:08,299 And club, and club, and club. Keep it going! 373 00:21:08,300 --> 00:21:10,259 And club, and club. 10 more. Club. 374 00:21:10,260 --> 00:21:12,819 OK. Let's start working out with those spears. 375 00:21:12,820 --> 00:21:16,059 Don't worry, we use them to hunt bison. 376 00:21:16,060 --> 00:21:18,700 First of all, we chase a bison off a cliff. 377 00:21:19,820 --> 00:21:21,899 And run, and run. Get your feet up! 378 00:21:21,900 --> 00:21:24,539 And run, and run. There's one there! Let's go! 379 00:21:24,540 --> 00:21:26,579 Argh! 380 00:21:26,580 --> 00:21:29,899 Once you have your bison, you need to finish him off. 381 00:21:29,900 --> 00:21:31,779 And spear, and spear. 382 00:21:31,780 --> 00:21:33,780 And spear. Keep it going! And spear. 383 00:21:34,780 --> 00:21:39,219 It's time to drag the heavy bison up the hill, back to your cave. 384 00:21:39,220 --> 00:21:43,619 And drag, and drag, and drag. While fighting off predators. 385 00:21:43,620 --> 00:21:47,979 And drag, and club, and drag, and club. 386 00:21:47,980 --> 00:21:51,979 - And drag, and club. That's really great. - Argh! 387 00:21:51,980 --> 00:21:54,579 So that's it - the Caveman Workout. 388 00:21:54,580 --> 00:21:58,660 Stay in shape and you, too, could live to the ripe old age of 30. 389 00:22:01,140 --> 00:22:04,779 The Caveman Workout - available while cavemen last. 390 00:22:04,780 --> 00:22:06,620 HE STRAINS 391 00:22:07,620 --> 00:22:09,459 That's enough of that, I think. 392 00:22:09,460 --> 00:22:13,379 Scientists say humans look the way they do thanks to hunting. 393 00:22:13,380 --> 00:22:16,019 Yeah. You lot evolved springy leg and feet muscles 394 00:22:16,020 --> 00:22:19,019 so you could chase animals for miles and miles. 395 00:22:19,020 --> 00:22:24,460 And a bottom so you can sit watching telly for hours. It's true. 396 00:22:28,220 --> 00:22:32,539 The famous Wild West pony express was set up in 1860 397 00:22:32,540 --> 00:22:35,219 to carry mail from one side of America to the other. 398 00:22:35,220 --> 00:22:37,540 But it didn't last long. 399 00:22:46,420 --> 00:22:48,499 - Howdy, Bill. - Why, howdy, Jim. 400 00:22:48,500 --> 00:22:51,419 Here I am, bang on schedule. 401 00:22:51,420 --> 00:22:53,579 Although I did run into an ambush again 402 00:22:53,580 --> 00:22:56,619 and I had to ride all through the night in a storm 403 00:22:56,620 --> 00:22:59,139 and the horse got spooked by a rattlesnake, 404 00:22:59,140 --> 00:23:01,699 reared up and threw me into a cactus. 405 00:23:01,700 --> 00:23:04,979 Yeah! As if my butt wasn't sore enough, 406 00:23:04,980 --> 00:23:08,539 having to spend 20 hours in the saddle to deliver mail to you. 407 00:23:08,540 --> 00:23:11,979 - This is for you, Bill. - Why, thank you kindly, Jim. 408 00:23:11,980 --> 00:23:15,219 Ooo! Ah! I forgot about that. 409 00:23:15,220 --> 00:23:18,659 It says here they finished the telegraph line 410 00:23:18,660 --> 00:23:20,739 running across the whole of America. 411 00:23:20,740 --> 00:23:24,539 So all I have to do is connect up this here telegraph machine 412 00:23:24,540 --> 00:23:27,180 and I should start receiving messages. 413 00:23:29,820 --> 00:23:31,539 Look at that. It works! 414 00:23:31,540 --> 00:23:35,059 You know there ain't nothing that can get your messages 415 00:23:35,060 --> 00:23:38,419 from the East Coast to the West Coast faster than the pony express. 416 00:23:38,420 --> 00:23:42,340 - It only takes us 10 days! - A telegraph only takes 10 seconds. 417 00:23:43,300 --> 00:23:45,139 I've got my first message. 418 00:23:45,140 --> 00:23:48,899 It says, "Pony express out of business, stop. 419 00:23:48,900 --> 00:23:51,740 "Tell rider to get another job, stop." 420 00:23:52,420 --> 00:23:55,220 Well, that is just a pain in the butt! 421 00:23:56,220 --> 00:23:58,059 Ooo! And so is that. 422 00:23:58,060 --> 00:24:00,300 One second. I got me some pliers. 423 00:24:04,460 --> 00:24:06,500 Ooo! 424 00:24:07,660 --> 00:24:11,179 That's right. The pony express riders' careers 425 00:24:11,180 --> 00:24:13,219 were finished in just over a year. 426 00:24:13,220 --> 00:24:15,259 Much like most X-Factor winners. 427 00:24:15,260 --> 00:24:17,419 HE LAUGHS 428 00:24:17,420 --> 00:24:20,299 Still, they were lucky if they lived to tell the tale 429 00:24:20,300 --> 00:24:23,699 because the Wild West sure was full of dangerous characters. 430 00:24:23,700 --> 00:24:26,939 But don't believe everything you read about them. 431 00:24:26,940 --> 00:24:29,899 Lots of things in history are actually a mystery 432 00:24:29,900 --> 00:24:32,939 The truth's not always in the books you read 433 00:24:32,940 --> 00:24:35,819 Facts can get distorted or even misreported 434 00:24:35,820 --> 00:24:39,019 Imagine if that was all down to me 435 00:24:39,020 --> 00:24:41,059 Cliff White-lie. 436 00:24:41,060 --> 00:24:43,619 - It's Whiteley! - Sorry. 437 00:24:43,620 --> 00:24:46,099 Nah, nah, you got it the wrong way round, mate. 438 00:24:46,100 --> 00:24:48,259 Sir Walter Raleigh's the explorer. 439 00:24:48,260 --> 00:24:51,299 The Monte Carlos rally is the car race. 440 00:24:51,300 --> 00:24:54,179 Yeah. Easy mistake to make. 441 00:24:54,180 --> 00:24:56,579 - Whallop! - Cliff? 442 00:24:56,580 --> 00:24:59,619 I've got Wyatt Earp and Billy The Kid in Reception. 443 00:24:59,620 --> 00:25:02,700 Oh! I've only just had the ceiling done. 444 00:25:03,660 --> 00:25:06,019 Alright, send them in. 445 00:25:06,020 --> 00:25:08,419 - GUNFIRE - Yeehah! 446 00:25:08,420 --> 00:25:11,939 - Alright! - Whoo-hoo-hoo-hoo! 447 00:25:11,940 --> 00:25:16,059 Susan, can you rebook the plasterer for next Wednesday? Thank you. 448 00:25:16,060 --> 00:25:20,939 Mr Earp, Mr The Kid. What seems to be the problem? 449 00:25:20,940 --> 00:25:24,379 We'd just like to give you a big thank you. 450 00:25:24,380 --> 00:25:27,659 People believe Wyatt Earp and Billy The Kid 451 00:25:27,660 --> 00:25:30,619 are genuine Wild West heroes. 452 00:25:30,620 --> 00:25:32,540 - Yeehah! - Yeehah! 453 00:25:33,780 --> 00:25:36,019 You don't need to thank me, lads. 454 00:25:36,020 --> 00:25:38,899 I've got all the facts from these books what you gave me. 455 00:25:38,900 --> 00:25:42,139 It was you fellas did all the gun fighting and holdups. 456 00:25:42,140 --> 00:25:45,579 No, no, no, sir. We did not do any of that stuff. 457 00:25:45,580 --> 00:25:47,939 - Beg your pardon? - I made it up. 458 00:25:47,940 --> 00:25:50,739 - What? - That stuff about me bein' a sheriff 459 00:25:50,740 --> 00:25:53,499 and bringin' law and order to the Wild West? 460 00:25:53,500 --> 00:25:55,539 Heck, I was just a part-time policeman 461 00:25:55,540 --> 00:25:58,179 who got fired for stealin' horses. 462 00:25:58,180 --> 00:26:02,499 But I thought you was a hero. What about the gunfight at the OK Corral? 463 00:26:02,500 --> 00:26:06,419 That gunfight was just an argument about a robbery we all did together. 464 00:26:06,420 --> 00:26:08,619 It wasn't much of a gunfight. 465 00:26:08,620 --> 00:26:11,060 Most of their side didn't have guns! Oh, yeah! 466 00:26:12,060 --> 00:26:15,499 - Yeah! - Yeah! - No! No! This is a ceiling! 467 00:26:15,500 --> 00:26:18,459 - Hee-hee! - I hope your book's a bit more authentic. 468 00:26:18,460 --> 00:26:23,499 Sir? There is nothing authentic about my book in the least. 469 00:26:23,500 --> 00:26:27,779 But it's called, The Authentic Life of Billy The Kid. 470 00:26:27,780 --> 00:26:29,819 It was written by the man who killed me. 471 00:26:29,820 --> 00:26:31,979 I think he wanted to big hisself up. 472 00:26:31,980 --> 00:26:34,619 He must've got some things right. Let's have a look. 473 00:26:34,620 --> 00:26:38,819 "Real name, William Bonney. Killed 21 men by the age of 21. 474 00:26:38,820 --> 00:26:41,299 "Renowned for his handsome face." 475 00:26:41,300 --> 00:26:44,179 Well, I am kinda handsome. 476 00:26:44,180 --> 00:26:48,059 - And the rest? - My real name is Henry McCarty. 477 00:26:48,060 --> 00:26:50,939 I killed my first man at 18, not 12. 478 00:26:50,940 --> 00:26:54,539 And 21 murders before I was 21? 479 00:26:54,540 --> 00:26:58,019 I only killed eight people my whole entire life. 480 00:26:58,020 --> 00:27:01,419 - Whoo! - Yeah! Eight. Oh, yeah! 481 00:27:01,420 --> 00:27:03,299 Honestly! So, you're both fakes? 482 00:27:03,300 --> 00:27:06,860 Where's a real Wild West legend when you need one, eh? 483 00:27:08,140 --> 00:27:10,499 Pearl Hart at your service. 484 00:27:10,500 --> 00:27:14,499 Right. I'm gonna start charging for the ceiling. 485 00:27:14,500 --> 00:27:17,419 I'm the real deal. Ran away from boarding school, 486 00:27:17,420 --> 00:27:19,339 cut my hair, dressed like a man, 487 00:27:19,340 --> 00:27:22,579 held up a stagecoach. Yeehah! 488 00:27:22,580 --> 00:27:24,699 Lawmen had to fight hard to take me, 489 00:27:24,700 --> 00:27:27,859 but not even a prison cell could hold down Pearl. 490 00:27:27,860 --> 00:27:31,419 I busted my way through the wall and straight to freedom. Yeehah! 491 00:27:31,420 --> 00:27:33,619 You do know there's an office above me? 492 00:27:33,620 --> 00:27:37,499 And I did all that without killin' a soul. 493 00:27:37,500 --> 00:27:39,419 How about you set the record straight 494 00:27:39,420 --> 00:27:42,699 and wipe these no-good fakers straight from history? 495 00:27:42,700 --> 00:27:45,020 That sort of thing could take me years. 496 00:27:52,340 --> 00:27:54,580 Yep. That should do it. 497 00:27:55,540 --> 00:27:57,980 - Yeehah! - Whallop! 498 00:27:57,981 --> 00:28:02,499 Tall tales, atrocious acts We gave you all the fearsome facts... 499 00:28:02,500 --> 00:28:05,179 Want to travel through the time sewers with me? 500 00:28:05,180 --> 00:28:08,619 Ha! Then play Horrible Histories Terrible Treasures. 501 00:28:08,620 --> 00:28:12,699 Go to the CBBC website and click on Horrible Histories. 502 00:28:12,700 --> 00:28:14,859 Hope you enjoyed Horrible Histories. 503 00:28:14,860 --> 00:28:17,140 Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd 504 00:28:17,190 --> 00:28:21,740 Repair and Synchronization by Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0